Life is...

my take on life has pretty much evolved as i have seen my shape, size, depth and breadth alter with the many sides there is to the coin called life. somethings i will truly never understand, and in some instances i will be okay with that; not knowing will be good enough but for other things... many other things i might add, it is purely infuriating when there are no clear answers, worse still when there is no answer at all.

do you think sometimes things happen just because, or do you believe they happen all for a reason? for me the answer is i don't know, there is comfort in feeling like' it all will make sense', ' it will add up eventually', it is a huge huge comfort that we all could use in our lives.

i really do not know where this is going now, this train of thought that started even before i sat before my computer. so many things feel up in the air right now, my career is given me great concern at the moment, life has not turned out how i thought it would, part of the problem though is that i did not know enough about certain things to have a faith based or realistic picture of what the decison i made will result in.

The 'unhappiness' with how things are personally and professionally has resulted in a deep seated anger, though very controlled most times, it takes the slightest thing for me to get enraged and pick fights, get irritable, like right now i am in the 'take no prisoners' domain. i also get worked up knowing how 'controllled' i am meant to be, and for once (again) i want to not do things right, let it all hang out, speak up for once and not hide my face in the sand telling myself the issues will go away on its own... when in fact i have a role to play for that to happen.

i remenice about my UK life a lot, especially now that the nigeria one has not quite 'added up' yet. and even though i was gravely unhappy, make no mistake i was quite a miserable soul and constantly felt like a third wheel wherever i went, it was a bit calm it got calmer in after dele was out of my life, i got me back or rather  i was getting back to me, getting back to God after months of hiding and running on empty and really that was where the 'problem' was. i was so broken by that beast that once again i wondered who could love me, i never openly acknowledged that to myself let alone anyone else, but i had been through so much emotionally that really i just needed to feel safe again (whatever that means) and i picked him, and well there used to be days when i counted myself so blest to be loved by X but certain events have overtaken that heart of gratitude.

but i do not want to complain. all the time, there are good things in the mix..., like my lo the more she grows the more i enjoy who she is, she makes me laugh, smile, when i am away i cant wait to get back to her again... it is so nice to have her, although honeslty most times i want to hide away from everyone even her included.

i really dont know where i was going with this....

maybe i was attempting to have a definite theory on what life really is...

Life is school and the tests get harder as we get along, and the rewards much more better and bigger. There are bullies be it in people or situations, things that want to belittle you, ridicule you, show you off has weak, lame, and scum and there are friends, good friends the kind that makes you count yourself fortunate.

Life is.....