2014

It is only normal to write a 'post' or an entry about 2014 has it quickly winds down. Just  a few days left and it will be a new year.

This year has been a full year, and in alot of ways He's strength became mine and what on a 'normal' I should not be able to do, I faced and went through. So what did I learn/realise this year (good and bad).

Well I realised that I Can do all things through Christ, and yes there were moments when I broke down in tears, felt sorry for myself, and hated my life in that moment but those 'horrible' experiences made me realise that there is an inner strength on the inside, and it could only be God.

This year I started driving, long distance at that. going on the express bridge, driving in the wee hours of the morning in order to make it to work and driving in thick darkness with poor headlights into a very rough part of town. This year I used public transport like it aint no thang (lol) dealing with a horrible (pure understatement) road, waddling through water due to poor drainage and in the pouring rain for that matter, getting one of my leg covered in icky mud so deep I almost lost my sandal in the process, having to beg strangers to 'please hold my hand' because it was so dark I could barely see, and I am not an expert in walking on the edge of gutters or even jumping them.

On so many levels this year was difficult, I watched people around me, people I love being blest and moving forward in ways I was praying for and desiring. I had a revelation of a particular person who is trying to keep me down. I started at a new job with a not so great pay, I was done with live in nanny which meant that I was all over the place, cooking, cleaning, nurturing, so many times I was so sad on the inside, because I felt I was still not doing enough, and I felt I was not getting cooperation and help as I would want.

But I survived all that! 2014 was the year of 'the survivor' even 2013 some minutes ago I reflected where I was mentally and emotionally last year and believe me when I saw it is truly a miracle how certain feelings, perspectives have changed.

2015 I will be 30 and i believe slowly but surely I am coming into my own, I am not so afraid to speak my mind/express myself, and I am certain things that overwhemled me 100% now don't overwhelm me so much. Also this year I want to believe that I listened or at least did more actively listening to God. I wasn't this busy in 2013 and I know one thing I really need to sort out before 2015/in 2015 is good balance, because by faith I will be busier and  important things like my relationship with God should not loose priority.

Good things happened this year too, I remember before my daughter's first birthday came around I did not have a job a month too, and I was telling God 'look I do not know how you will do it but I want to celebrate my daughter's birthday and I do not want to be doing this 'managing' thing on that day.' and God answered two weeks to her birthday I started my job, and there was food and drink on that day very plenty.

Also we got to move house, after dealing with the bad roads, no water, no light situation for almost 3 years, after days spent trying to convince him we needed to move, and always being given reasons why we could not move, I took it to prayer and I must confess even I grew weary of making the declaration  everyday, it just seemed like it was NEVER going to happen, it seemed like he will NEVER EVER see 'reason'. but alas one day in 2014 he looked at the bad road and all the inconveniences we had been through for years and had enough, plus he was being moved to to another department miles away from home, basically on the other side of town! I remember feeling offended that things had to get this bad before he jumped on board, and that it had to favor him i.e his work related move... and God quickly told me to rejoice regardless because the 'move' was still happening. it felt like a dream when it happened I am so grateful to God.

I still feel in limbo career wise and even ministry wise, I am yet to (in my opinion) find 'myself'? God?  perhaps both, I am not in a job I like, one could excuse the pay and just be like o everyday i am learning or be like this is my dream job, but that is not the case here. I thought by now I would know/ be doing that thing I was called to do. This year I had so many 'great ideas' but I did not act on all of them. I pray that come 2015 i will find myself? God's leading? in my career and ministry. It just dawned on me now that my career is my ministry (that is deep, too tired now to explore depth).

I got published this year on a platform that wasn't mine :)

I really tried to pursue getting published, as I came across so many new published authors; I do not know if I tried hard enough; I came close a few times, I guess I am not so hungry, I need hunger. Hunger will drive me to action, to move, to do. So I pray for a sustained hunger in 2015 in Jesus name.

2014 has been a year of growth for me, certain moments I couldn't see God's hand but he proved as always that he can be trusted fully.

Here's to 2015 for more growth, more and sustained hunger, more turning points.

See you on the other side.

I am past friendship....

I believe that every single one of us is a performer, i am not talking about swaying of hips or belting the really high notes, i am referring to how we 'play up' for the next person in order not to come across as 'too this' or 'too that'.

We make expensive hairstyles, buy expensive phones, apply our makeup, wear huge chunky jewellers, drive the flashy cars, rock the pimped out job, talk about husbands, wives, kids, new plans, new projects.... we perform all the live long day, 'its all good in my hood' we say in so many different ways.

I mean who cares for weakness, vulnerability, confusion, loss, failure, heartache, debt, fears, panic...?  So we perform and go back to our 'dressing rooms' and cry, scream or in most extreme cases commit suicide.

Why do we feel pressure to perform? is it the way the world is built? or is it the way we as humans are built? or is it a combination of both. Everyone seems to want to be seen as living the dream, no one wants to be struggling or be tagged as struggling so all things that can indicate that are securely buried.

Today i realised something I am past friendship, I mean i have friends casual people i relate with but the friendship that involves candidness and openness i am past it. The only women I can be open to is my mother and my sister, therefore every other female person in my life is just a causal aquaintance , and that is because I can not bare to perform, I have lived that 'lie' before and it was so suffocating not to be able to scream out to my audience 'I am drowning here!! help!!'

So I keep it simple and I keep it moving. To those who are still performing I wish one day you realize you do not have too.

The truth is there are more people who love performers and performing than the 'keeping it real' folk/ alternative, so I guess each to their own really. However I will be keeping it real with those who I can trust to handle that and reciprocate the act.

Who am I?

61 page views I wonder if all that is from me, oh well, got to be true to myself.

Yesterday I was watching a mexican tv series, it was the finale episode, and I watched with rapt attention as the plot reached its climax, and the script writers brought a somewhat end to each character and their relationships with each other, and it that moment I felt what every writer feels when a book is finished, i felt nostalgic.

I began to reminisce on certain parts of the characters lives, and began to wonder where they will be now, will Alex and Maria have more children? How many? Will Victoria miss Bruno her son who died a horrible death, will she and Fernando get married despite the massive age gap? I began to miss them, and I very well knew those who wrote them into being will miss them too.

It happens to me every time I write, i converse with this people who live on paper and in my head, they trust me with their lives, and the challenges I let them face, and most times it ends well for them and then their on their own, they carry on living in an adjacent world and I miss our conversations as I day dream about what they are doing right now.

Who am I.

I am a writer, in my heart, my soul, my fingers itch to hold a pen or get on a keyboard and click, click, click away,  my mind conjures up images, characters, story-line ideas daily, even though some may not be that awesome, still, I am a writer.

I write to express myself and my view of the world, I write to discover myself, I write because I feel so compelled to.

As I watched that final episode, it stirred something in me, the need to create again, I needed to write again. as one author said, it may not be a book for everybody, but have someone or people close to you who you will know it will speak to, but above all 'be true to what you know, what you love.' sometimes I wish i had other gifts, talents, interests, like dancing or baking, or sowing but I do not know how to work any of these things; and that does not make me less because there are people who wish they could create images, story-lines, and grab people's attention after an opening line.

But i am still learning, and trusting God to help me hone my craft.

One day I will see my novels on shelfs, I will be invited to give talks to schools, women, I will have book launches, people will tell me how my book inspired them....

Life is...

my take on life has pretty much evolved as i have seen my shape, size, depth and breadth alter with the many sides there is to the coin called life. somethings i will truly never understand, and in some instances i will be okay with that; not knowing will be good enough but for other things... many other things i might add, it is purely infuriating when there are no clear answers, worse still when there is no answer at all.

do you think sometimes things happen just because, or do you believe they happen all for a reason? for me the answer is i don't know, there is comfort in feeling like' it all will make sense', ' it will add up eventually', it is a huge huge comfort that we all could use in our lives.

i really do not know where this is going now, this train of thought that started even before i sat before my computer. so many things feel up in the air right now, my career is given me great concern at the moment, life has not turned out how i thought it would, part of the problem though is that i did not know enough about certain things to have a faith based or realistic picture of what the decison i made will result in.

The 'unhappiness' with how things are personally and professionally has resulted in a deep seated anger, though very controlled most times, it takes the slightest thing for me to get enraged and pick fights, get irritable, like right now i am in the 'take no prisoners' domain. i also get worked up knowing how 'controllled' i am meant to be, and for once (again) i want to not do things right, let it all hang out, speak up for once and not hide my face in the sand telling myself the issues will go away on its own... when in fact i have a role to play for that to happen.

i remenice about my UK life a lot, especially now that the nigeria one has not quite 'added up' yet. and even though i was gravely unhappy, make no mistake i was quite a miserable soul and constantly felt like a third wheel wherever i went, it was a bit calm it got calmer in after dele was out of my life, i got me back or rather  i was getting back to me, getting back to God after months of hiding and running on empty and really that was where the 'problem' was. i was so broken by that beast that once again i wondered who could love me, i never openly acknowledged that to myself let alone anyone else, but i had been through so much emotionally that really i just needed to feel safe again (whatever that means) and i picked him, and well there used to be days when i counted myself so blest to be loved by X but certain events have overtaken that heart of gratitude.

but i do not want to complain. all the time, there are good things in the mix..., like my lo the more she grows the more i enjoy who she is, she makes me laugh, smile, when i am away i cant wait to get back to her again... it is so nice to have her, although honeslty most times i want to hide away from everyone even her included.

i really dont know where i was going with this....

maybe i was attempting to have a definite theory on what life really is...

Life is school and the tests get harder as we get along, and the rewards much more better and bigger. There are bullies be it in people or situations, things that want to belittle you, ridicule you, show you off has weak, lame, and scum and there are friends, good friends the kind that makes you count yourself fortunate.

Life is.....

Hmmm

How did I get here? How did I open this door out of every other door available? How did I become this  person, with this 'type' of 'problems'? How is this the bed i made, I thought I had better sense when choosing sheets? How did I not understand there are always two sides to a coin, how on earth did i make my life decision based on one part.

I get that most people get to a point where they think what I am thinking, and feel exactly the same things? how do they make it out, make it through?

Certain choices, decisions I have made that have led me to this point, leave me so bitter and weary. constantly looking through this glass house for salvation! I don't think I want to be just because of them, but what of her?

Hmm.

My happiness can not be hinged on people, but what of the people that suck it out of me any opportunity they get, shouldn't they be done with?

How long am I going to spend in these shoes, are these shoes even mine to begin with? sometimes it feels like i picked the wrong pair, and mine is on its way to me.... and i feel do hurry.

Truth is in spite of how all this feels, i must keep confessing the blessing over my life.

'.... He maketh me lie down in green pastures'

One day I will read this entry, and be glad to be finally wearing my pair.

I know there are no perfect days, I know my beautiful pair of shoes will still have to touch concrete, but i just feel this isn't meant to be my life, this is not the life I want.

Something Serious

I dont claim to know much about world politics or even national politics but with the way things are even a dumb dumb on politics will have an opinion, this is because things have become serious.
The other day i was reading the paper and saw how governors of a particular Nigerian political party 'shunned' a security meeting with the president of Nigeria ( who is from another political party by the way), and even though said opposing party refute claims that they shunned the meeting, rather they say ' they were told meeting had been cancelled', I wonder why with the way things are in Nigeria, people are still able to see reasons to be divided as opposed to be united.

For crying out loud this is a nation in crisis and yet our 'leaders' are busy playing 'politics' when serious matters are on ground!

It amazes me that are so called leaders, can not see past their noses, in this case past their 2015 ambition, their citizens are dying, their states are under severe attack by assailants, these leaders know nothing about (yeah! right). Instead of coming together and putting aside party fractions, and whatever else is an issue and finding a lasting solution, they either do not invite certain people, or ignore the invitation of certain people. it is tottaly absurd.

When will we as a nation wake up, and truly say enough is enough! When will the day come, when our vote, trust and integrity will not be bought?

Where are the Fela's, Ojukwu's etc, those who will stand up and DO, SAY something, regardless of how 'unpopular' that will be . Instead you hear people  either cursing Nigeria, or wanting to check out of the country, or dreaming of getting into government to eat their own 'entitled' share of the national cake.

When most people get together, youths, 'young' adults, they often reveal what their passions are and sadly most times it has nothing to do with creating a movement to fight these corrupt leaders, these people who consider us very daft, and very gullible.

I am deeply troubled by what i am seeing, hearing and experiencing. I ask myself what can i do? where do I start from?

God I am ready.

A witness....

So many things happen in life, and I often feel the need to put pen to paper. A need to ensure I never forget, what i felt, what i feel, the warm fuzzy feeling, the despair, the anger.
Sometimes it is just about documenting my thoughts, especially on those days when i need to mentally sort through emotions and personal perspectives.
I earnestly thank God for the gift of writing, it has been more than a faithful companion. Looking back at journals, I am able to relive experiences again and marvel at the courage, and strength and often naivety of this complex girl now turned woman.
Yes, woman, a wife and mother. Amazing how quickly time flies, one day i was running around in diapers, marvelling at the texture of sand between my tiny feet...
This blog is as archive of some sort, posts may not always be positive, it may not always have direction.  I am done going crazy over the 'how many comments so far', to think once that ruled my life, ha! people do grow.

This blog is actually for me first, Lord lets make it count :)