2015 Has ended-To Baby

My last entry talked about being tired, and i expressed my hope to come back here with a smile and say 'i made it' sadly that didn't happen.

it is a really horrific and depressing story, people tell me to be thankful i am alive but the God i so much hoped and trusted in let me down in the biggest way, i thought 2007 challenge was big, i thought 2013 and 2014 challenge was massive, but 2015 has been harder by far.

i don't know what i am doing wrong, because i see other people 'getting it' and i wonder what is CEO doing wrong? i am in a crisis of faith, and this one scares me somehow because while my spirit reaches out to Him out of reflex, its mostly reflex now, like my eyes blinking, i don't trust Him with what i care about, because he does his own thing at the end and he can never be wrong so i have to hush and accept the pain and slaying.

i dont sleep well, i wake up at the same time every night around 4am, and i sit and stare at nothing and cry, 2015 has ended for me.

Alot of christians hide their pains, we tell people about accepting Jesus and sometimes we talk so much about heaven our home we forget the hell we have to live in or go through in the mean time.

i know there are people who have it rougher, or who have faced the same issues i am dealing with, no i am not dealing thats a lie... i am crying, i am isolated.

now i am scared when it rains, now it does not feel like a good sign because of what happened. i lost my 3 month old baby, my baby just left me and i am so lost in this pain on so many levels. i lost my 'dream' job due to ill health during this pregnancy, but things seemed to be taking a turn for the better and then on october 7th 2015 around 1 am in the morning, i lost my baby, my baby just fell out after a lot of heavy bleeding. i saw him.her all ten fingers and toes...

2015 has ended for me personally that may sound defeatist but that is how i feel defeated, stripped, let down... and i am afraid to hope because God knows how much i hoped for the good things that happened and then i lost.

so...

now i am unemployed without my baby... if his grace and mercy is real and for all then it needs to fill this huge long blank space because i am not dreaming or hoping, let him do what he wants its his life in the first place not mine.

To my baby,

i am so sorry if i had the powers to keep you God knows i would, i hope ... i dare to hope to see you again, if i could have gone with you i would have. your father is so crushed, and your sister would have loved you. but once again my spirit reaches out to hope in God and says, he knows best however that does not make any of this hurt less. i will love you till i draw my last breath.

In between places

Today I feel tired. Tired of people; tired of trying, tired of being tired, tired of asking questions, tired of feeling everyone is "getting it" .

I am tired of waiting and having to wait; playing by the rules never really worked before except that was all due to my impatience.

I have been here before granted and I have come out eventually; true but still this "in between" place stinks.

Before it was the in between place of school and a job; then dating and marriage.... But it never ends the in between place/feeling.

I need to stop now; life beckons.

Hopefully I will come back here; read this and smile thinking " I made it. "

My Truths

This is a trial

So here are a few of my truths:

i love God

God loves me

 I believe there is a God, and i believe in God

I am an observer of people and life

I hate difficult times

I dont celebrate the highs long enough

I love being a mother

Being a wife to a godly man makes marriage sweet

My best friend is my mum i call her about the most mundane things

I love my sister,there was a time i didn't

I dont enjoy my job, but i am tired of the whole "job search"

i love my church/pastor. I constantly feel empowered for the week ahead every sunday

I am not a fan of people i lead a life of my family and i

I think most people are fake, bitter and deceitful so I guard my heart

I have had my heart broken 3 times

I wonder how it would have been if I married either of them

My last relationship scared me badly

I love to read and write stories

I want to be published

Sometimes I wonder if I am hungry enough for my dreams

I need to loose weight

I wish I knew the specifics of God's plans for me

I now have a "red bird" and I am happy about that

I don't always trust God

I wish I had "girl friends"

I'm glad I have a sister and momma,

I said I had a few truths, I guess I lied :)

Valentine's Day comes once a year, Showing Love is Everyday

I laughed really hard today.

and that was a perfect valentine gift this year, knowing I have someone to laugh with, and also laugh at *coy smirk*

A lot of us have been programmed to think that love is 'gifts' and 'gifts alone' so a day like February 14th comes and all we want are gifts (yeah gifts are nice, and i did get a gift) but what is a gift when you can not say confidently where you stand/who you are to the giver?

Will a 'gift' make any difference when life happens, and you need a shoulder to lean on, someone to hear your fears, your thoughts?

Will a 'gift' make any difference when you can't sleep and you need someone to chat with till sleep takes one of you or both of you at the same time?

I can go on, but I think I have made my point somewhat. I would rather have the person (with gifts :)) than have the gifts without the person, simple.


Wow.