2015 Has ended-To Baby

My last entry talked about being tired, and i expressed my hope to come back here with a smile and say 'i made it' sadly that didn't happen.

it is a really horrific and depressing story, people tell me to be thankful i am alive but the God i so much hoped and trusted in let me down in the biggest way, i thought 2007 challenge was big, i thought 2013 and 2014 challenge was massive, but 2015 has been harder by far.

i don't know what i am doing wrong, because i see other people 'getting it' and i wonder what is CEO doing wrong? i am in a crisis of faith, and this one scares me somehow because while my spirit reaches out to Him out of reflex, its mostly reflex now, like my eyes blinking, i don't trust Him with what i care about, because he does his own thing at the end and he can never be wrong so i have to hush and accept the pain and slaying.

i dont sleep well, i wake up at the same time every night around 4am, and i sit and stare at nothing and cry, 2015 has ended for me.

Alot of christians hide their pains, we tell people about accepting Jesus and sometimes we talk so much about heaven our home we forget the hell we have to live in or go through in the mean time.

i know there are people who have it rougher, or who have faced the same issues i am dealing with, no i am not dealing thats a lie... i am crying, i am isolated.

now i am scared when it rains, now it does not feel like a good sign because of what happened. i lost my 3 month old baby, my baby just left me and i am so lost in this pain on so many levels. i lost my 'dream' job due to ill health during this pregnancy, but things seemed to be taking a turn for the better and then on october 7th 2015 around 1 am in the morning, i lost my baby, my baby just fell out after a lot of heavy bleeding. i saw him.her all ten fingers and toes...

2015 has ended for me personally that may sound defeatist but that is how i feel defeated, stripped, let down... and i am afraid to hope because God knows how much i hoped for the good things that happened and then i lost.

so...

now i am unemployed without my baby... if his grace and mercy is real and for all then it needs to fill this huge long blank space because i am not dreaming or hoping, let him do what he wants its his life in the first place not mine.

To my baby,

i am so sorry if i had the powers to keep you God knows i would, i hope ... i dare to hope to see you again, if i could have gone with you i would have. your father is so crushed, and your sister would have loved you. but once again my spirit reaches out to hope in God and says, he knows best however that does not make any of this hurt less. i will love you till i draw my last breath.

In between places

Today I feel tired. Tired of people; tired of trying, tired of being tired, tired of asking questions, tired of feeling everyone is "getting it" .

I am tired of waiting and having to wait; playing by the rules never really worked before except that was all due to my impatience.

I have been here before granted and I have come out eventually; true but still this "in between" place stinks.

Before it was the in between place of school and a job; then dating and marriage.... But it never ends the in between place/feeling.

I need to stop now; life beckons.

Hopefully I will come back here; read this and smile thinking " I made it. "

My Truths

This is a trial

So here are a few of my truths:

i love God

God loves me

 I believe there is a God, and i believe in God

I am an observer of people and life

I hate difficult times

I dont celebrate the highs long enough

I love being a mother

Being a wife to a godly man makes marriage sweet

My best friend is my mum i call her about the most mundane things

I love my sister,there was a time i didn't

I dont enjoy my job, but i am tired of the whole "job search"

i love my church/pastor. I constantly feel empowered for the week ahead every sunday

I am not a fan of people i lead a life of my family and i

I think most people are fake, bitter and deceitful so I guard my heart

I have had my heart broken 3 times

I wonder how it would have been if I married either of them

My last relationship scared me badly

I love to read and write stories

I want to be published

Sometimes I wonder if I am hungry enough for my dreams

I need to loose weight

I wish I knew the specifics of God's plans for me

I now have a "red bird" and I am happy about that

I don't always trust God

I wish I had "girl friends"

I'm glad I have a sister and momma,

I said I had a few truths, I guess I lied :)

Valentine's Day comes once a year, Showing Love is Everyday

I laughed really hard today.

and that was a perfect valentine gift this year, knowing I have someone to laugh with, and also laugh at *coy smirk*

A lot of us have been programmed to think that love is 'gifts' and 'gifts alone' so a day like February 14th comes and all we want are gifts (yeah gifts are nice, and i did get a gift) but what is a gift when you can not say confidently where you stand/who you are to the giver?

Will a 'gift' make any difference when life happens, and you need a shoulder to lean on, someone to hear your fears, your thoughts?

Will a 'gift' make any difference when you can't sleep and you need someone to chat with till sleep takes one of you or both of you at the same time?

I can go on, but I think I have made my point somewhat. I would rather have the person (with gifts :)) than have the gifts without the person, simple.


Wow.

2014

It is only normal to write a 'post' or an entry about 2014 has it quickly winds down. Just  a few days left and it will be a new year.

This year has been a full year, and in alot of ways He's strength became mine and what on a 'normal' I should not be able to do, I faced and went through. So what did I learn/realise this year (good and bad).

Well I realised that I Can do all things through Christ, and yes there were moments when I broke down in tears, felt sorry for myself, and hated my life in that moment but those 'horrible' experiences made me realise that there is an inner strength on the inside, and it could only be God.

This year I started driving, long distance at that. going on the express bridge, driving in the wee hours of the morning in order to make it to work and driving in thick darkness with poor headlights into a very rough part of town. This year I used public transport like it aint no thang (lol) dealing with a horrible (pure understatement) road, waddling through water due to poor drainage and in the pouring rain for that matter, getting one of my leg covered in icky mud so deep I almost lost my sandal in the process, having to beg strangers to 'please hold my hand' because it was so dark I could barely see, and I am not an expert in walking on the edge of gutters or even jumping them.

On so many levels this year was difficult, I watched people around me, people I love being blest and moving forward in ways I was praying for and desiring. I had a revelation of a particular person who is trying to keep me down. I started at a new job with a not so great pay, I was done with live in nanny which meant that I was all over the place, cooking, cleaning, nurturing, so many times I was so sad on the inside, because I felt I was still not doing enough, and I felt I was not getting cooperation and help as I would want.

But I survived all that! 2014 was the year of 'the survivor' even 2013 some minutes ago I reflected where I was mentally and emotionally last year and believe me when I saw it is truly a miracle how certain feelings, perspectives have changed.

2015 I will be 30 and i believe slowly but surely I am coming into my own, I am not so afraid to speak my mind/express myself, and I am certain things that overwhemled me 100% now don't overwhelm me so much. Also this year I want to believe that I listened or at least did more actively listening to God. I wasn't this busy in 2013 and I know one thing I really need to sort out before 2015/in 2015 is good balance, because by faith I will be busier and  important things like my relationship with God should not loose priority.

Good things happened this year too, I remember before my daughter's first birthday came around I did not have a job a month too, and I was telling God 'look I do not know how you will do it but I want to celebrate my daughter's birthday and I do not want to be doing this 'managing' thing on that day.' and God answered two weeks to her birthday I started my job, and there was food and drink on that day very plenty.

Also we got to move house, after dealing with the bad roads, no water, no light situation for almost 3 years, after days spent trying to convince him we needed to move, and always being given reasons why we could not move, I took it to prayer and I must confess even I grew weary of making the declaration  everyday, it just seemed like it was NEVER going to happen, it seemed like he will NEVER EVER see 'reason'. but alas one day in 2014 he looked at the bad road and all the inconveniences we had been through for years and had enough, plus he was being moved to to another department miles away from home, basically on the other side of town! I remember feeling offended that things had to get this bad before he jumped on board, and that it had to favor him i.e his work related move... and God quickly told me to rejoice regardless because the 'move' was still happening. it felt like a dream when it happened I am so grateful to God.

I still feel in limbo career wise and even ministry wise, I am yet to (in my opinion) find 'myself'? God?  perhaps both, I am not in a job I like, one could excuse the pay and just be like o everyday i am learning or be like this is my dream job, but that is not the case here. I thought by now I would know/ be doing that thing I was called to do. This year I had so many 'great ideas' but I did not act on all of them. I pray that come 2015 i will find myself? God's leading? in my career and ministry. It just dawned on me now that my career is my ministry (that is deep, too tired now to explore depth).

I got published this year on a platform that wasn't mine :)

I really tried to pursue getting published, as I came across so many new published authors; I do not know if I tried hard enough; I came close a few times, I guess I am not so hungry, I need hunger. Hunger will drive me to action, to move, to do. So I pray for a sustained hunger in 2015 in Jesus name.

2014 has been a year of growth for me, certain moments I couldn't see God's hand but he proved as always that he can be trusted fully.

Here's to 2015 for more growth, more and sustained hunger, more turning points.

See you on the other side.

I am past friendship....

I believe that every single one of us is a performer, i am not talking about swaying of hips or belting the really high notes, i am referring to how we 'play up' for the next person in order not to come across as 'too this' or 'too that'.

We make expensive hairstyles, buy expensive phones, apply our makeup, wear huge chunky jewellers, drive the flashy cars, rock the pimped out job, talk about husbands, wives, kids, new plans, new projects.... we perform all the live long day, 'its all good in my hood' we say in so many different ways.

I mean who cares for weakness, vulnerability, confusion, loss, failure, heartache, debt, fears, panic...?  So we perform and go back to our 'dressing rooms' and cry, scream or in most extreme cases commit suicide.

Why do we feel pressure to perform? is it the way the world is built? or is it the way we as humans are built? or is it a combination of both. Everyone seems to want to be seen as living the dream, no one wants to be struggling or be tagged as struggling so all things that can indicate that are securely buried.

Today i realised something I am past friendship, I mean i have friends casual people i relate with but the friendship that involves candidness and openness i am past it. The only women I can be open to is my mother and my sister, therefore every other female person in my life is just a causal aquaintance , and that is because I can not bare to perform, I have lived that 'lie' before and it was so suffocating not to be able to scream out to my audience 'I am drowning here!! help!!'

So I keep it simple and I keep it moving. To those who are still performing I wish one day you realize you do not have too.

The truth is there are more people who love performers and performing than the 'keeping it real' folk/ alternative, so I guess each to their own really. However I will be keeping it real with those who I can trust to handle that and reciprocate the act.

Who am I?

61 page views I wonder if all that is from me, oh well, got to be true to myself.

Yesterday I was watching a mexican tv series, it was the finale episode, and I watched with rapt attention as the plot reached its climax, and the script writers brought a somewhat end to each character and their relationships with each other, and it that moment I felt what every writer feels when a book is finished, i felt nostalgic.

I began to reminisce on certain parts of the characters lives, and began to wonder where they will be now, will Alex and Maria have more children? How many? Will Victoria miss Bruno her son who died a horrible death, will she and Fernando get married despite the massive age gap? I began to miss them, and I very well knew those who wrote them into being will miss them too.

It happens to me every time I write, i converse with this people who live on paper and in my head, they trust me with their lives, and the challenges I let them face, and most times it ends well for them and then their on their own, they carry on living in an adjacent world and I miss our conversations as I day dream about what they are doing right now.

Who am I.

I am a writer, in my heart, my soul, my fingers itch to hold a pen or get on a keyboard and click, click, click away,  my mind conjures up images, characters, story-line ideas daily, even though some may not be that awesome, still, I am a writer.

I write to express myself and my view of the world, I write to discover myself, I write because I feel so compelled to.

As I watched that final episode, it stirred something in me, the need to create again, I needed to write again. as one author said, it may not be a book for everybody, but have someone or people close to you who you will know it will speak to, but above all 'be true to what you know, what you love.' sometimes I wish i had other gifts, talents, interests, like dancing or baking, or sowing but I do not know how to work any of these things; and that does not make me less because there are people who wish they could create images, story-lines, and grab people's attention after an opening line.

But i am still learning, and trusting God to help me hone my craft.

One day I will see my novels on shelfs, I will be invited to give talks to schools, women, I will have book launches, people will tell me how my book inspired them....