2015 Has ended-To Baby

My last entry talked about being tired, and i expressed my hope to come back here with a smile and say 'i made it' sadly that didn't happen.

it is a really horrific and depressing story, people tell me to be thankful i am alive but the God i so much hoped and trusted in let me down in the biggest way, i thought 2007 challenge was big, i thought 2013 and 2014 challenge was massive, but 2015 has been harder by far.

i don't know what i am doing wrong, because i see other people 'getting it' and i wonder what is CEO doing wrong? i am in a crisis of faith, and this one scares me somehow because while my spirit reaches out to Him out of reflex, its mostly reflex now, like my eyes blinking, i don't trust Him with what i care about, because he does his own thing at the end and he can never be wrong so i have to hush and accept the pain and slaying.

i dont sleep well, i wake up at the same time every night around 4am, and i sit and stare at nothing and cry, 2015 has ended for me.

Alot of christians hide their pains, we tell people about accepting Jesus and sometimes we talk so much about heaven our home we forget the hell we have to live in or go through in the mean time.

i know there are people who have it rougher, or who have faced the same issues i am dealing with, no i am not dealing thats a lie... i am crying, i am isolated.

now i am scared when it rains, now it does not feel like a good sign because of what happened. i lost my 3 month old baby, my baby just left me and i am so lost in this pain on so many levels. i lost my 'dream' job due to ill health during this pregnancy, but things seemed to be taking a turn for the better and then on october 7th 2015 around 1 am in the morning, i lost my baby, my baby just fell out after a lot of heavy bleeding. i saw him.her all ten fingers and toes...

2015 has ended for me personally that may sound defeatist but that is how i feel defeated, stripped, let down... and i am afraid to hope because God knows how much i hoped for the good things that happened and then i lost.

so...

now i am unemployed without my baby... if his grace and mercy is real and for all then it needs to fill this huge long blank space because i am not dreaming or hoping, let him do what he wants its his life in the first place not mine.

To my baby,

i am so sorry if i had the powers to keep you God knows i would, i hope ... i dare to hope to see you again, if i could have gone with you i would have. your father is so crushed, and your sister would have loved you. but once again my spirit reaches out to hope in God and says, he knows best however that does not make any of this hurt less. i will love you till i draw my last breath.